Amalgam Vanilla Boysenberry Dystopia

12 Oct

The Boysenberry Reduction Act of 2021 sought to curb domestic boysenberry usage to preserve the crop so vital to horse tranquilizer production. No longer could boysenberry addicts satiate their desires through carefree binging of the sweet nectar – supply was controlled by the government and selectively distributed to powerful members of underground horse racing cartels. 

Seeing an upcoming market inefficiency, the sadistic yet opportunistic minds at Amalgam Brewing hoarded as much boysenberry as possible before restrictions were enacted, filling their derelict warehouse to the brim with one of the few remaining supplies of fresh berries. 

With the fruit secured, how could they distribute the lifeline to the addicted masses as efficiently as possible? Masters of liquid fermentation, Amalgam knew they’d have to do something extreme to both properly utilize their supply and provide that desperate fix. No ordinary beer would do. Easy drinking and effervescent were out of the equation. 

Freeze distillation was the ticket, concentration so intense the fresh berries themselves would bow in reverence to their superior Icebier overlords. This was the drug Amalgam would unleash upon the world, sweet and slightly acidic while maintaining hedonistic balance, a syrupy concoction that coats the mouth with irresponsible amounts of berry jam.

Early trials with the liquid proved problematic – test subjects were experiencing cardiac arrest at alarming rates, their hearts unable to keep blood flowing amidst the onslaught of freeze-concentrated boysenberries. Despite their lax morals, Amalgam knew this to be an issue that would affect long-term sustainability of their covert operation. Hospitalized and especially dead people do not and cannot prioritize buying liquid enjoyment. Something had to be altered with the threatening recipe.

Connections with African vanilla traders and a fortuitous shipment that fell off the back of a truck landed Amalgam a huge supply of Madagascar vanilla beans. Ever the opportunists, this ingredient was viewed as the element to soften Boysenberry Reduction, lowering the lethal dosage to something more manageable and marketable to fiending consumers. A hint of the island derived flower extract lessens the fatal intensity of boysenberry, rounding out an otherwise overpowering dose. Syrup is still there, but vanilla distraction allows for nuanced contemplation.

Bow to your Vanilla Boysenberry overlord

Trials were successful, less death was reported, and Amalgam had their black market winning formula. Vanilla Boysenberry Reduction would give the addicts what they craved while keeping them alive to come back for more. For the sake of the populace, let’s hope their illicit supply is cut off and sane government controlled boysenberry consumption can resume.

Britt Antley

Britt is a native Texan, lived in Houston for 12 years, and loves his current life in the Mile High City (although his liver is having second thoughts). His liver is also not nearly as proud of his 13,000+ Untappd uniques as he is. Stupid liver. He loves flavorful complex beers from Hazy IPAs to Wild Ales to barrel aged Stouts, but ultimately he has vowed to some day be buried with a 4-pack of Bierstadt Slow Pour Pils.